What the Elon Musk Biography Revealed About His Tumultuous Twitter Takeover

Elon Musk’s new biography by Walter Isaacson is like the digital-age version of “War and Peace,” except instead of Russian aristocracy, we’re dealing with billionaire tech moguls. And the war? Well, that’s fought in the Twitter trenches, with hashtags instead of bayonets.

Musk’s Impulse Buy: Twitter

Elon Musk, impulse-buying Twitter is like you or me grabbing a pack of gum at the grocery checkout. Only his gum costs billions and has the potential to disrupt global democracy. Isaacson tells us that Elon basically regretted the buy as soon as the ink dried on the contract. He says, “The judge basically said that I have to buy Twitter or else,” which is like a teenager saying, “Mom said I have to take out the garbage or else.” Only this isn’t chores, Elon; it’s a multi-billion dollar social media platform!

Can you imagine Elon Musk pacing around his SpaceX office saying, “Did I really just buy Twitter? What am I going to do with it? Wait… I got it! I’ll tweet about it!”

Banking on Twitter Blue

Let’s talk about Elon’s grand vision for Twitter Blue, now renamed X Premium because he probably got bored with the original name. Musk aimed to transform it into a financial-services juggernaut. You know you’re in the future when your social media platform also wants to be your bank.

Ah yes, Twitter Blue! Or should I say X Premium? It sounds like an adult movie, but it’s just Elon Musk’s way of saying, “Give me your credit card info, and in exchange, you can tweet longer nonsense and add extra emojis!”

The ADL Saga and Free Speech, or Lack Thereof

Musk as the defender of free speech is like calling a jackhammer a musical instrument. Sure, it makes noise, but you don’t want to hear it at a concert. He went on to try and ban ADL and other activist groups from Twitter.

Elon Musk making Twitter policy on the fly is like a dog deciding it wants to drive the car: sure, it’s in control, but do you trust it not to crash?

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Trump’s Twitter Status: It’s Complicated

Now, Elon, who doesn’t like Trump, was going to restore his Twitter account because… he was in a “feisty mood”? I’ve been in feisty moods, but I don’t buy social media companies or reinstate controversial figures. At most, I might order extra jalapenos on my pizza!

The “Hardcore Twitter” Pledge

Elon Musk’s idea of a loyalty oath for his employees is making them commit to “hardcore Twitter.” It’s like a biker gang, but instead of Harleys, they ride desk chairs and the only patches they have are for software bugs.

The Great Server Migration

Finally, there’s the server fiasco. Elon thought moving thousands of servers would be as easy as moving a few boxes. “It doesn’t seem super hard,” he says. Oh Elon, moving servers isn’t like launching rockets. Oh wait, you do that too. Nevermind.

Standalone Jokes

  1. Elon Musk buying Twitter is like buying a pet tiger. It’s cool until it turns on you.
  2. Isaacson’s biography of Elon is so detailed, it probably includes the frequency of his laser hair removal appointments.
  3. So, Musk bought Twitter because he “had no choice”? What was the alternative, MySpace?
  4. Twitter Blue changing to X Premium is the tech world’s equivalent of when your goth friend suddenly becomes a hipster.
  5. Elon Musk protecting free speech is like a cat protecting a fish tank.
  6. Only Elon Musk could turn a “feisty mood” into a political movement.
  7. Musk’s version of “hardcore Twitter” is probably like Fight Club but with memes.
  8. Elon’s server move is basically tech’s version of the Oregon Trail, complete with the same risk of things breaking down.
  9. Deleting Polytopia was harder for Elon than deleting tweets, apparently.
  10. Elon’s impulse buying: 1, Common Sense: 0.


Elon Musk, Twitter, Walter Isaacson, Biography, X Premium, ADL, Free Speech, Trump, Server Migration, Hardcore Twitter.